A Joke a day..

**steve-o** · 09-08-2007, 17:08

..will keep the doctor away..
(no, not you, lostgyfrell.. can't spellit)
..anyway..
Humor is the best medicine..
I propose a thread that'll make us laugh on a daily basis to get our days off to a better start..
Here's my joke
Joke #1and2and3 for starters: Bombsquad, extremesport and costume.
written jokes are also fun, I just cant find any at the moment..

**The_Doctor** · 09-09-2007, 08:01

Ha! Quicker than me.

Ok, here's mine, I thought of this while actually looking up at a mainsail, or at least, very soon afterwards.

A slight shift in wind direction causes the mainsail to flap, and the Mate says to the Captain,
"The mainsail's not happy."
"Yes it is," the Bosun says; "It's luffing every minute of it!"

Seen two of those pics before, but not the third. Is Toilet Dude for real? Someone actually built that?

**buffo** · 09-09-2007, 09:17

Eh, I dunno - To me it looks like "toilet dude" is an actual dude that just covered himself in white make-up and set a toilet seat in his lap. I'll bet he's just resting there with his back against the wall hoping that the chick will sit down. Of couse, if he's not careful she'll end up shitting all over his dick...

Ok - here's my joke:

A Pirate walks into a bar. He's got a peg-leg, a hook, a patch over one eye, the works...

The bartender asks him, "Are you a real pirate?"

The pirate answers, "Arrrr... Yes!"

The bartender says, "Wow! Cool... I've never met a real pirate before! If you don't mind me asking, how did you get that peg-leg?"

The pirate says, "Arrrr... That was many years ago when I was just a wee lad. I was climbing in the riggin' and I fell overboard. Just as me mateys were a'pullin me back aboard a shark swam up and bit me leg off below the knee!"

The bartender is shocked: "Gee, I didn't know a pirate's life was so dangerous! So then, what about the hook? How'd that happen?"

"Arrr... That was just last year, me friend. I was fightin' another pirate you see... The bastard got a lucky swing with his sword and cut me hand off at the wrist!"

"Oh dear!" exclaims the bartender, "That's harsh! So, how did you get the eye-patch?"

The pirate shakes his head and says, "Arrrr... A seagull shit in me eye..."

The bartender starts laughing and says, "Hold on a minute - you get your leg bitten off by a shark, you get your hand cut off by a rival pirate's sword, and yet you're telling me that you lost your eye because you got some bird poop in it?"

To which the pirate replies, "Well, you know... It was me first day with me new hook!"

Ba-dum-dum tisss!

**steve-o** · 09-09-2007, 09:51

HA

HA Y'all

ROFL

Ok here's mine for today:

Subject: snappy answers, witty and funny

Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate
to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended
her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat
and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said Sir I
need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the
grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for
her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys
get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,
they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped
for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been
waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid
on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A
sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he
knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of
his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his
hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."
and finally

#5, THE TEACHER
Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses
for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or
illness, or a death in your immediate family but
that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass
guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering
from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher
smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her
head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to
write the exam with your other hand."

**Frank** · 09-09-2007, 23:36

When you see this photo,press "Ctrl+A",you will see.......

**steve-o** · 09-10-2007, 06:13

That's pretty cool Frank, How does that work?

Monday:

**wes** · 09-10-2007, 11:21

here's a few i made up myself-

as the sun came up ,the early morning arborist said,"I'm beginning to see the blight."

a structural engineer who was bad at his job was told by his boss he had to take angle management classes.

Q.in what u.s. state are the criminals the most polite?

A.con etiquette

**steve-o** · 09-10-2007, 11:28

*groan*

..................................

**carmangary** · 09-10-2007, 15:21

errrrrr - on that note maybe it is time to kill this thread. hehe

**wes** · 09-10-2007, 15:44

close the thread??!!!

them there are good man.
solid gold

**stanwax** · 09-10-2007, 16:05

This aint a joke but hopefully it gives you as much of a laugh as it gave me.
About a year ago we were getting, annoying unsolicited calls from a telecoms company on a pretty much daily basis - so I decided, with my sick sense of humor to have some fun.

This is a rough idea of the conversation.

Rob (picking up phone) - Hello
caller - Can I speak to the person who pays the phone bill?
Rob - No I'm afraid not.
caller - When will they be back?
Rob - They wont be back.
caller - Why not?
Rob - Because I have murdered them and chopped them up and eaten them.
caller - I'm sorry...
Rob - I'm sorry too but there's nothing I can do about it now.

Silence

more silence

Phone hangs up.

Rob pisses himself laughing!

I was expecting a vist from the local police but they never showed, and funnily enough the telecoms firm never called back.

Rob

**steve-o** · 09-10-2007, 19:29

Hahahahahahahaha

RALFOUTFUCKINGLOUD Dude

Hahaha ..Thats a great one.. haha i think i just pissed myself reading that one ohhhh

**steve-o** · 09-11-2007, 06:07

Why did the blonde have square boobs?

She forgot to take the kleenex out of the box.

**chad** · 09-11-2007, 07:13

Ok I will play too. First my favorite, an oldie but a goodie (Redd Fox).

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches. A peeping Tom watches snatches.

Q. What's the difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist?
A: A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Q: What do you call two skunks doing a 69?
A: Odor eaters!

Q: What do Disney World & VIAGRA have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q: How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A: It's not hard.

Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
A: The blonde-she's eighteen.

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Because they go and answer the door.

Q: Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
A: Because it might lead to dancing.

Q: What is the difference between women and computers?
A: A women will not take a 3.25 inch floppy.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: What do you call a man who expects sex on the second date?
A: Slow

Q: What's the difference between Pee Wee Herman and OJ?
A: It only took twelve jerks to get OJ off.

Q: What do you call it when a women talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute

Q: What is the definition of nothing?
A: When a man with an erection walks into a brick wall and injures his nose.

**Jem** · 09-11-2007, 08:48

O.K., here's one...

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my
apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they
are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.
Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

Cheers

Jem

DZ · 09-11-2007, 18:14

Good stuff, I just have to share a funny as well. A telemarketer called my brother the other day:

Phone:ring

bro:hello?

telemarketer:Yes, I'd like to speak with the decision-maker of the house please...

bro:She's not here right now.

telemarketer:<silence>

-A blonde, brunette and redhead are all lined up to be executed, the red head is first. The firing squad lines up, ready, aim... The red head points behind them and shouts "earthquake!" The firing squad looks behind them while the red head runs away. So they line up the brunette, ready, aim... The brunette points behind them and shouts "Tornado!" they look behind them while the brunette gets away. Flustered, the firing squad lines up the blonde, ready, aim... The blonde points behind them and shouts "Fire!"

David

**wes** · 09-11-2007, 18:30

ouch!

i hear auto manufacturers are considering moving the brights switch back to a floor button because so many blondes are getting their legs caught in the steering wheel.

**steve-o** · 09-12-2007, 06:07

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point
a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries
with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds
all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot
yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going
to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . e-mail
this to someone to make them smile. Its called therapy.

**steve-o** · 09-13-2007, 07:21

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette and a redhead were
> > > all talking about their daughters.
> > >
> > > The Brunette said "I was looking through my daughter's
> > > things and I found cigarettes; I can't believe my daughter
> > > smokes."
> > >
> > > The redhead said "Ladies, I was looking through my daughter's
> > > things and I found a bottle of liquor; I can't believe my daughter
> > > drinks."
> > >
> > > The Blonde said "I was looking through my daughter's things
> > > and I found a pack of condoms; I can't believe my daughter
> > > has a penis.

**wes** · 09-13-2007, 08:52

Q.why was helen keller such a bad driver?

A.she was a woman.

and one for the women-

Q.what do you call that useless flap of skin attached to a penis?

A.a man.

**dave** · 09-13-2007, 08:58

Q: whats the difference between your wife and the washing machine?

A: You don't have to talk to the washing machine after you dump a load in it

:O

**wes** · 09-13-2007, 09:00

Originally Posted by dave

Q: whats the difference between your wife and the washing machine?

A: You don't have to talk to the washing machine after you dump a load in it

:O

along a similar line...

Q.what do you call a whore with a runny nose?

A.full.

**buffo** · 09-13-2007, 12:29

Why do new brides traditionally wear white?

Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the fridge...

Adam

**The_Doctor** · 09-14-2007, 03:48

Here's one that UK people might get better than most, but every country has a celebrity or TV presenter that it can apply to. It's haunted me for decades, this one:

"Esther Rantzen; hair by Sassoon, teeth by Steinway."

**steve-o** · 09-14-2007, 07:38

The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily
>against a wall. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what’s up.
>
>"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn’t find the cough syrup,"
>the clerk explains. "So I gave him a laxative and told him to take it all at
>once."
>
>"Laxatives won’t cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
>
>"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall.
>"Look at him. He’s afraid to cough."

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