A Joke a day..

[Jem]

And you think YOU'RE having a bad day

[ajohnson30]

THE DUCK HUNTER AND THE FARMER

One day a duck hunter from the city shot a duck that was flying over the far shore of the pond where the hunter had stationed himself. To get to where he believed the duck fell, the hunter walked around the shore of the pond and through some woods. Once through the woods he found himself in a clearing that appeared to be a farmyard. The duck had fallen to earth about ten feet
in front of the farmhouse porch.

As the hunter bent to pick up the duck, he heard a voice say, "Better leave that duck there, Mister. It's mine." He looked up and saw the farmer standing on the porch.

"But I shot it. It belongs to me." he argued.

"Naw. Fell in my yard. Anything there belongs to me." Stated the farmer in a slow drawl.

They argued back and forth for a considerable time until the farmer finally said, "This talk ain't gettin no wheres. Let's settle this the old fashioned country way with a balls kickin contest."

"A WHAT?"

"BALLS KICKIN CONTEST. TAKE TURNS KICKIN EACH OTHER IN THE BALLS.
Who ever gives up loses the duck."

Now the duck hunter from the city figured himself to be just as tough as any "red neck" farmer, so he agreed to the contest and was only a little dismayed when the farmer claimed the right to the first kick on the basis of being the originator of the idea.

The two men faced each other in the farmyard. The duck hunter clinched his teeth and braced himself to receive the farmer's first kick. The farmer's heavy work boot swung back and then arced forward with great force and velocity. The kick found its mark. Dead Center. The duck hunter doubled up, lurched forward two steps and fell to his knees. His face contorted by pain and his mouth gasping in a silent scream, the duck hunter rolled onto his side and began rotating in the dust. After two minutes, the groans came, then he managed a series of high-pitched yelps. And finally, he writhed on the ground with the dust caked to the tears on his face, his hands buried in his crotch. He sobbed and cursed for twenty minutes in very satisfactory suffering that hurt in a most excruciating manner.

When his agony subsided enough, he painfully got to his feet and confronted the farmer with a snarl. "Now it's my turn, you bastard." He hissed as his eyes blazed with hatred and rage.

A faint, almost benign, smile curled the farmer's mouth as he replied..."Naw. You can have the duck."

[cruch]

hahaha..had to post this!!

[Jem]

O.K. Here's one...

[steve-o]

Ohhh- that last one eewww..

Ok - I just got this spam yesterday from a 'Gloria Wise' in my email and had to post it>

Compliments Az
Virgins always whooped at me and even youths did in the urban comfort station!
Well, now I whoop at them, because I took MEGADIK
for 6 months and now my penis is immensely longer than federal.

I wonder how long a federal penis is? I thought the feds had sizes about like the rest of us..

[steve-o]

Thats weird- when I pasted it its got a secret message in it or something

Compliments Az
Virgins always whooped at me and even youths did in the urban comfort station!
Well, now I whoop at them, because I took M xel E tzg G iw A cmj D mer I mez K
for 6 months and now my p kpx en bn is is immensely lo yq ng pm er than federal.

Gloria Wise

<link removed>

[steve-o]

Just found this.. I wonder if they come in 532nm?

[the_kcar]

Yeh...been hiding for quite a bit, but figured to g'head,throw in my $0.02 for this part

Great to be back

[the_kcar]

O.K., as it's mainly the masculine gender that seem to frequent this forum, i'm going to live a little dangerously

Whereas I may well be the few, if not only female here...
* * *
Man and his bride are newly wed, and the man says to the bride, "Well, darlin', there's 'bout to be a few changes, seeing as how you now have my name...

"I'll plan to be going out when I want to go out - no cellphone calling, no hassling - just be ready for me, whether I am there or not."

"I'll have my house clean for when people are likely to come over; I may have poker night maybe twice a week, and I'll expect food a'plenty and no interruptions...

"I'll have my fishin' weekends every now and then, and I'll be leavin' my cell phone at home. Any questions?"

The newly married wife replied:

"I'll tell you what: I'll tell you of the changes I plan to make.

"Six-thirty, the chain lock is on the front door. No exceptions.

"Seven O'clock, food is ready.

"Eight O'clock, I am naked, clearing the last of the dishes from the table, no interruptions...

"Nine O'clock, I am having sex in the bedroom with the door open...figure it out, Cowboy."

* * *


Had to do it...had to do it...had to do it...had to do it...

[steve-o]

___________________

Ok here's mine for today:

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand
what tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation.
This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a
telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review
(supposedly!):

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn
toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we
bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tee...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

[buffo]

In the same vein as above...

Prabhu was a trainee for the Dell customer support center in Mohali, India. This was his final exam:

Test administrator: "Prabhu, I want you to use the following three words in a sentence: Green, Yellow, Pink."

Prabhu thinks for a minute, then says: "OK - the phone go 'green green green', I pink it up and say 'Yellow, this is Prabhu, may I help you?'"

He passed.

[steve-o]

i cant post anymore from work-- theyve severed the link-- I'll try to continue to post in the evening even tho i dont feel jokeful then...hehehuh..
all my good ones are at work, and they wont transfer to my home pc in ms outlook for some reason..
oh well...... I'll try to find some..

[steve-o]

.................................................. ..................

[DZ]

ROFL!!


Well guys, I just got back from the doctors and I hate to say it, but I have just been diagnosed with dickdoo disease.

highlight here for punchline---> Its where my stomach sticks out further than my dick do.

[Astroguy]

ROFL!!


Well guys, I just got back from the doctors and I hate to say it, but I have just been diagnosed with dickdoo disease.

highlight here for punchline---> Its where my stomach sticks out further than my dick do.

If you have doo on your dick you should flip her over!!

[steve-o]

HAR
I have dunlap disease, thats where my belly's done-lapped over my dick

[buffo]

I have dunlap disease, thats where my belly's done-lapped over my BELT like a spare tire..."

There. Fixed that for you. (And yeah, I've got the same disease... What a bummer!)

Adam

[steve-o]

hell gettin old aint it

[buffo]

hell gettin old aint it

Yeah... It sucks the big one. Only saving grace is that one day I'll be old enough to be a pain in the ass for my kids!

In the mean time, where's my geritol?

Adam

[stanwax]

A Duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working', says the duck, 'Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
'You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'.
'Sounds marvelous', says the ringmaster, 'get him to give me a call'.
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr.Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'
'Yeah?' says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
'At the circus', says the barman.
'The circus?' the duck enquires.
'That's right', replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'Yes' says the barman
'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
'Yeah' the barman replies.
'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.
'Of Course' the barman replies.
'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
'What the fuck would they want with a plasterer?'

[steve-o]

Hehe
____
LOL
____

Ok heres one:

"A Retired Husband"

Dear Mrs. Fenton, Over the past six months your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.

Wal-Mart Complaint Department
MEMO Re: Mr. Bill Fenton
Complaints - 14 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

9. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!!!"

[stanwax]

have you heard about the new genetically engineered dog breed. Its fur has a look of velcro. Its not a very nice looking animal but you cant help but become attached to it.

I heard this on the radio on Friday.

Rob

[steve-o]

Thought you might think this is funny. -----Original Message-----
Sent: Wednesday, October 17, 2007 3:29 PM
To: Subject: chili e-mail
you can read the whole story without tears of laughter running down your
cheeks then there's no hope for you.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.


They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town.
It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.


The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:


"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Budweiser
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff ? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.


Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look
HOT -- just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.


Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge
# 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.


Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.

[stanwax]

As there has been a lull in the comedy here and as I got sent a gem by email today I thought I would share this with you all.

www.stanwax.plus.com/laser/tommabe.wmv

enjoy

Rob

[buffo]

Gotta love the Bob and Tom show...

Adam