A Joke a day..

[Jem]

From Monty Python's flying Circus....

Praline: (whistles a bit, then) Hello. I would like to buy a fish license, please.

Postal clerk: A what?

Praline: A license for my pet fish, Eric.

Clerk: How did you know my name was Eric?

Praline: No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric. Eric fish. He's an halibut.

Clerk: What?

Praline: He is an halibut.

Clerk: You've got a pet halibut?

Praline: Yes, I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.

Clerk: You must be a loony.

Praline: I am not a loony. Why should I be tarred with the epithet 'loony' merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon - you wouldn't call him a loony! Furthermore Dawn Pathorpe, the lady show jumper, had a clam called Stafford, after the late chancellor. Alan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an 'addock! So if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche de temps perdu' a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!

Clerk: All right, all right, all right. A license?

Praline: Yes!

Clerk: For a fish.

Praline: Yes!

Clerk: You *are* a loony.

Praline: Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric, I've got a license for me pet cat Eric.

Clerk: You don't need a license for your cat.

Praline: I bleedin' well do and I've got one! Can't be caught out there!

Clerk: There is no such thing as a bloody Cat license.

Praline: Yes there is.

Clerk: No there isn't.

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: Is!

Clerk: Isn't!

Praline: What's that then?

Clerk: This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in, in crayon.

Praline: Man didn't have the right form.

Clerk: What man?

Praline: The man from the cat detector van.

Clerk: The loony detector van, you mean.

Praline: Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.

Clerk: What cat detector van?

Praline: The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.

Clerk: Housinge?

Praline: It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant. I never seen so many bleedin' aerials. The man said their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards, and Eric being such a happy cat was a piece of cake.

Clerk: How much did you pay for this?

Praline: Sixty quid and eight for the fruit-bat.

Clerk: What fruit-bat?

Praline: Eric the fruit-bat.

Clerk: Are all your pets called Eric?

Praline: There's nothing so odd about that. Kemel Attaturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul.

Clerk: No he didn't.

Praline: Did!

Clerk: Didn't!

Praline: Did, did, did, did, did and did!

Clerk: Oh all right.

Praline: Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?

Clerk: I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.

Etc. Etc....

[colouredmirrorball]

One for the engineers here!



An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, "You're an engineer you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says, "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."

"Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists, "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[sue]

interesting. I'd like share one,
There are two cats, one white and the other is black. One day, the white cat fell into river and what did the black one said?
the result is the black one :miao, becuase it could speak.

[dnar]

John and Mary have a little boy named Bruce.

Bruce is 3 and he has not yet spoken a word.

On his 4th Birthday, Bruce yells "this cake is dry!".

John and Mary are delighted! "Bruce! You can talk! But why have you waited until you are 4 years old before you speak?".

Bruce: "Up until now, everything has been satisfactory".

[dnar]

.

[RGbee]

I was reading in bed last night when the missus said "If you turn out he bedside lamp, I'll take it up the arse!"

As soon as I did, she said told me to pull it out because it was hurting.

With the benefit of hindsight, I suppose I should have let he bulb cool down a bit first.

[Xytrell]

[dnar]

I was reading in bed last night when the missus said "If you turn out he bedside lamp, I'll take it up the arse!"

As soon as I did, she said told me to pull it out because it was hurting.

With the benefit of hindsight, I suppose I should have let he bulb cool down a bit first.

Hehe. I love backdoor jokes.

A grand father was telling his grand son that back in his day "you could go to the shops with a dollar in your pocket and buy 3 sacks of potatoes, 2 tins of beans, a strip of beef jerkey, 2 sodas and a packet of fags".

He says "but you can't do that these days, too many bloody cameras!".

[RGbee]

Got stopped in the street outside Boots Chemists today by a woman with a clipboard asking "What products do I use for grooming? " She was a bit taken aback when I replied , "Facebook".

[dnar]

Two young guys hiking in the American wilderness come across a bear. The bear starts running towards them.

One guy starts running, the other stops to put his running shoes on.

The first guy yells while running "those shoes won't help you out-run the bear!".

The second guy replies calmly "I don't need to out-run the bear, I just need to out-run you!"