A Joke a day..

[dnar]

My ex-girlfriend was really self-conscious about the size of her labia.
Personally, I don't see why she was flapping so much.

LOL!

Q. What is the difference between a male mud crab and a female mud crab?

A. Mud flaps.

[ShortyInCanada]

Allright. You asked for it !

Inside a fairly popular and decent sized pub/bar and above the general crowd noise a voice is heard. From the back corner, a flagrantly obvious homosexual male calls out in a loud tone, "The first one here that guesses what I have in my hands gets a free blowjob !"
Up near the bar a burly guy can't help himself and blurts out, "It's an elephant !"
Everyone looks back at the gay guy and sees him peering in between his two hands pressed palm to palm. After a moment or two of determined and concentrated squinting at that tiny space between the gay guy announces loudly for all to hear, "Well would you look at that ! It looks like we got us a winner !"

[beamann]

Three guys (laser heads) meet at a night club, one dude sees a fine looking lady and gose to meet her and talk with her.
the other two guys: one said to the other "I'll make you a bet of $50.00 he LASER!"

My first homemade joke, did it work?

[RGbee]

Three guys (laser heads) meet at a night club, one dude sees a fine looking lady and goes to meet her and talk with her.
the other two guys: one said to the other "I'll make you a bet of $50.00 he LASER!"

My first homemade joke, did it work?

.....................................

[ShortyInCanada]

"I'll make you a bet of $50.00 he LASER!"

Yeah, but I don't think it would be good. Although it may be powerful and focused it would still be over in a "flash" !

And then he would have a reputation of being a "light-weight" at performing.

Even if he comes back "beaming".

...shall I continue ?

[ShortyInCanada]

So this guy goes into a bar with his pet monkey.
The bartender looks at them on the way in a tells the guy "We don't allow pets into the bar."
The guy looks around and seeing that the crowd is almost non-existent presses the bartender saying, "He's not a pet. He's my companion. I do a lot of traveling and he goes with me everywhere. He's never been a problem. Besides, if he does anything out of the ordinary I will pay you for your troubles. C'mon, I just want one drink before moving on..."
So the bartender agrees and pours the guy a drink.
While the guy is drinking the monkey goes hopping down to one end of the bar and starts checking out some of the "fixin's" for drinks. After a couple of minutes of looking and smelling he suddenly grabs a cherry, shoves it in his mouth, and swallows it whole with a gulp.
The bartender sees this and tells the guy, "Hey ! He just swallowed a cherry !"
The guy just calmly says, "The cherries just go in some drinks don't they ? It's not really something you charge for. And he only had the one. I could pay you for it if you want..."
So the bartender relents and says, "Yeah, I suppose so. I just was worried there for a moment."
The guy goes on with his drink and the monkey goes hopping down to the other end of the bar and starts checking out the other "fixin's" at that end. Soon he grabs a piece of celery and down it goes in one gulp.
Again the bartender jumps up and says, "Hey ! He just swallowed some celery now !"
The guy looks at the bartender again and calmly points out that this is also garnish and isn't really a charged for item. Again he offers to pay extra for it but the bartender calms down and decides it isn't really a problem.
For the next while the monkey is amusingly hopping around the bar investigating things and the bartender starts to relax about it all.
Then the monkey jumps up on the pool table, sees the cue ball and "Gulp !" it's gone.
The bartender sees it and tells the guy, "Alright. He just swallowed the cue ball. This one's gonna cost ya."
As the guy was finishing his drink he agrees and the settle on $20 for the cost of the ball. Then the guy and his monkey leave.

A couple of weeks later the guy and the monkey come back into that same bar.
At first the bartender was going to say something but he settled back down and the two made the same agreement as the last time.
The guy gets his drink and the monkey goes hopping down the bar to where the "fixin's" are. After a couple of minutes of looking and smelling he suddenly grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butthole, pulls it out, then shoves it in his mouth swallowing it with a gulp.
This really upsets the bartender so that he jumps up and shouts, "Hey ! Did you see what that monkey just did ? He shoved that cherry up his ass before eating it !"
The guy calmly responds, "Well after that pool ball last time he checks everything for fit before he eats it now."

[beamann]

@ Shorty, That was some funny SH-T! buddy, keep them comming!

[beamann]

A man from grant a final wish foundation visits a dieing man to give him a final wish,

Hi Jim, I am here to see what your dieing wish is so we can fullfill it for you. What is you dieing wish Jim?
JIM REPLIES: Well lets see, I hate flying, I hate the Ocean, HMMMM, I would like a bridge built from Califonia to Hawii so I can drive and visit Hawii befor I die!

THE WISH MAN REPLIES: WOW thats a biggy, all the fancy tech we would have to develop, the gobbs of money involved not to menchin the Ocean waves and storms that would destroy the bridge. I don't think thats a do able wish can you come up with a diffrent wish?

JIM REPLIES: O.K. Yea, I have always whanted to understand whomen, How they think, feel, love, learn, and act around men. That would be my alternitve Wish Jim!

THE WISH MAN REPLIES: O.K. then, we will get started on that bridge right away!

[ShortyInCanada]

OK. It's been a while so I'll try another one. WARNING ! not a "politically correct" joke but I tell 'em as I heard 'em.

Three guys have all died and show up in Heaven in front of ol' St. Peter.
Now St. Peter has been having a hard day and he's not doing too great when these three show up and all start that complaining and whining about "It wasn't my time !" and "I've got so much to do." and "But I was such a good person..." etc.
So he shouts them all down with, "Aallllllriiiiiiiiiight then ! That's it ! I've had enough of this for today ! Let me tell you three how it is going to be. I'm going to send you all back but there's going to be conditions !"
Well the three guys all figure that they got it good now and agree before finding out the details.
St. Peter lets them in on his plan, "You there ! You alcoholic, liver-killing, drunken Irishman ! You're going back but if you ever try to drink another drop of alcohol, BOOM, you're back here !"
Then St. Peter turns to the second guy, "And you, the thieving, money-grubbing Jew with your schemes and ways of getting every penny you can. For you there will be no savings, investments, or any of the other methods of gaining wealth. If you try to put away even a few pennies, BOOM, you're back here !"
And to the last guy he turns and says in a disgusted tone, "And you, you dirty perverted Greek bastard. I don't even have to talk about your buggery now do I ? Like them, if you even start doing that stuff, BOOM, you're back here !"
"You all got it ! Good !"
>POOOOF<
All three guys find themselves standing on a sidewalk. They can't believe their luck. And they start walking along exclaiming their disbelief and congratulating each other on their luck.
As it happens, they pass a pub with a huge celebration party going on. Free samples being offered, munchies on a buffet, the whole works. The three guys look at it all and the Irish guy says, "Surely now. A wee drink to celebrate our good fortunes can't be bad for us."
When the guy's foot crosses the threshold of the door, BOOM ! And the Irish guy is gone !
Well the other two guys see this and jump back with fear on their faces. Both agree that St. Peter must have really meant it with those conditions. So they keep walking down the street trying to figure out how to get through the rest of their new lives.
At a street corner, while waiting for the light to change, the Jew sees a $20 bill laying in the gutter in front of them. He glances at the Greek to see if he noticed it too. The Greek guy didn't see a thing.
So the Jew bends over to pick it up and BOOM ! The Greek guy is gone.

[steve-o]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.



John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,
the next morning John's grandfather prepared
breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.


However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,
and questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.


John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!


'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
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Meet Coldwater !





Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!


PLEASE DO YOUR PART !
Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!