A Joke a day..

[James Lehman]

Nope that's no good either. That's for straight women.

Besides, I know how gay he is.

James.

[loopee]

Q. How can you prove that a dog is truly a mans best friend?

A. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

[thesk8nmidget]

hahahahahahahaha

[Carl B]

Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample would diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks"
Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and doughter and then pleasured himself into the mixture.
when he tipped it into the machine the next day the printout read:

1. Your tapwater is to hard. Use softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Give it anibiotics.
3. Your daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab.
4. Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you keep playing with yourself, your elbow won't get better!

Thankyou for shopping a Tesco.

[stanwax]

Carl
Thats an old one but actually told much better than Ive heard it

Rob

[thesk8nmidget]

hahaha that was great.... great family he has!

[Carl B]

Carl
Thats an old one but actually told much better than Ive heard it

Rob

Well it was a new one for this weekend.

Carl

[steve-o]

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY





(This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.)

This guy was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no car went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car m! oving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the door. Only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel.

The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life.

He was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve.

Finally, as the car came to the outskirts of a town, the guy scared to near death, had all he could take, jumped out of the car and ran into tow! n.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quav! ering, o rdered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk blabbering.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

[steve-o]

(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great
state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George
Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between
them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak
into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to the fence and the plan
was for (the late) Mr.Pernicky who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to
hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr.
Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved
himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly
halted (and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that
snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked
down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would break
his fall, he removed
his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the
tree. Finally free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into
Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the
protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. To make
matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated
his thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable
pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now he
thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck and slowly
driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put
the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and
killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pick-up with its driver thrown
100-feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.
Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on
his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts
dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...

OTHER ENTRANTS THIS YEAR WERE:-
MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va.
A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving
his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was
doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried
to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing
on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin.
Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machines ON button.
When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down
into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and
Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine's
agitator went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the
laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's
face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed
some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself.
Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same
time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf,
startling the dog, which then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the
chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in "a small
explosion," according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed.
Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its
High-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour,
according to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel
beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbour heard the
commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.
Runner-Up: -
Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday.
While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians
from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went over board to show them one of
America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ...
the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the
adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his
hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a
resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled, as
it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However,
once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to
panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended
passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very
constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her
bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglas, caretaker.
During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a
number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats
and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and
zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks.
First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this
process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with
over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down,
while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I
guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under
control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open
for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquillise her and apply a solvent to remove
his hands from her rear," said Douglas. "I don't think he'll be playing with
Crazy Glue for a while." Meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also
were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my
children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir
Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER
(the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while
there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes
closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been
at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed
that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if
she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head,
and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were
locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally
got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise
that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her
head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and
tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to
her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

[steve-o]

lol.................................................. ....................