A Joke a day..

[LaserGuy216]

HAHAAAA there is really some funny sh%# here

[buffo]

Saw the wedding plunge video on Reddit a while back. I still say that the groom missed his chance to save the day and be forever named the most awesome husband ever.

When it was clear that no one was hurt, he should have jumped in the damn pool himself, strode gallantly over to his bride, swept her up into his arms, and while standing there still dripping wet he should have said, "It's OK honey, I'll stick with you forever. Let's get married right here. Preacher - you may continue..."

Think about how *awesome* that would have been...

Adam

[Stuka]

Adam - dude - you sound so...sensitive !!

[buffo]

22 years of happily-married life will do that to you dude...

Adam

[steve-o]

HAHAAAA there is really some funny sh%# here

You can say shit here. It's not a 'g' rated forum..
Yeah everybody's put some really good stuff in- I went back to page 1 and started re-reading all the jokes I'd forgotten and was in tears before too long

[stanwax]

Hey Steve
I have too been re-reading and noted where you said yu would keep this going til you ran out.
Man that was over a year ago!
still going - maybe not a strong as it was but still going non te less

Rob

[steve-o]

Hey Rob!
Yeah I was going to, then they started cracking down on the internet use at work for personal stuff so I had to cut down on posting. Yep, still good stuff coming in tho . Now, where did I put the rest of those jokes? I know they're here somewhere.... Oh here's one--

[Insanity]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my lovedress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my lovedress,' the daughter-in-law
explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.
'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[Insanity]

So good you got it twice...

Don't know what happened there...

[Insanity]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is
finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs
downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door
neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands
her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who
was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything
about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and
risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a
position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal
a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up
her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let
his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm
129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is
weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you
will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a
great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are
walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one
wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I
want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a
care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want
to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of
my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office
after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also
sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and
rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the
rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very,
very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that
tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the
energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with
nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the
second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly
perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of
the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull S**t might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so
cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large
field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he
began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for
joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep s**t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!