A Joke a day..

[frank_1257]

http://www.cnn.com/WORLD/africa/9812...e.thrower.car/


I was tempted to post it to the tesla thread after seeing the car surrounded by the ring corona.

[mliptack]

Its funny that you mention that. When I first started reading it said recently ... and I thought to myself I saw this on the news when I was much younger (i mean really its every childs dream right?) but yeah the article dates back to 1998, which would make sense. The video - I'll try to find it - was really crazy. Make the person go blind though... hmmm Idk... I guess it depends on the fuel.

[DZ]

Sweet, tape's on sale... Retailers are getting desperate in this economy!

[Snilton]

A butt ugly woman and her two kids walk into a store.
The shopkeeper asks her:
"Are they twins?"

Woman: "No, why?"

Shopkeeper: "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"

[Jem]

This thread hasn't been active for a while, and I thought we could all do with a bit of a chuckle....


A parrot was sat on a perch, and he said…
"This is a bit fishy."


Bloke walks into a doctor's surgery with a steering wheel stuck down his underpants. Doc says "What happened?!" ... bloke says "I dunno, but it's driving me nuts!".


A man went to the zoo and the only animal was a small dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.


A cheese sandwich walks in to a pub.
The barman said, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food".


A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but clingfilm wrapped around him. The psychiatrist said "I can clearly see your nuts".


What has got 400 balls and f**ks ducks ?
A shotgun


Man walks into a Fish & Chip shop with a Salmon under his arm and says "Excuse me, do you sell fish cakes?", the guy behind the counter says "Sorry, no". "That's a pity the man replies, it's his birtday today"


What do you call Postman Pat now that he's retired?
Pat.


What d'you call a donkey with three legs?
A wonkey.



Count Dracula is out on the pull in Glasgow.

He spends the night drinking Bloody Mary's in various clubs and biting on unsuspecting women's necks.

He is heading for home, wandering along Argyle street sometime before sunrise.

Suddenly he is hit on the back of the head. He looks round and sees nothing. He looks down and sees a small sausage roll. Mmm, he thinks. What's going on here.

A few yards further on and ........Bang ! He’s smacked on the back of the head again! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. Again he looks down and there is a small triangular sandwich lying on the ground. How odd!

A few yards further along the street and........Crash! He’s smacked on the back of the head again!! He whirls round as quick as he can - nothing. He's getting really angry now. Again he looks down and there is a cocktail sausage lying on the ground.

He stands and peers into the darkness of the night. Nothing.

He walks a few yards further on when he gets a tap on the shoulder.

With a swirl of his cape and a cloud of mist he turns as fast as he can. He feels a sharp pain in his heart. He falls to the ground clutching his chest, which is punctured by a small cocktail stick laden with a chunk of cheese and a pickled onion.

On the ground dying, he looks up and sees an attractive young female. With his dying breath he gasps, “Who the hell are you ?”
.
.
"Hi, I’m BUFFET, the vampire slayer !"




and if you thought that was BAD......




There was this guy, and ever since he was young, he'd LOVED tractors. He had tractor wallpaper, tractor duvet, tractor pillows, tractor everything. When he got to about 12, he started making model tractors and ordering tractor catalogues (Available now from wwww.tractorsdirect.com). Instead of scantily clad ladies and fast cars, his walls were decked with (you guessed it) tractor posters.

On his 17th birthday, his parents said they had a surprise for him. They'd booked him a test-drive of the new GY553-Z jet propelled tractor! So off he went to the tractor test-track and, ignoring the safety instructions jumped straight in and went zooming off. CRASH! And hit a wall, the tractor remains crushing his legs. They eventually cut him out, and, after a year in hospitalm, he went home. Down came the posters, off came the duvet and in the bin went the models, and that was the end of his tractor fascination.

8 years later, he was on a business trip to Canada. He was the only representative of his company and his plane home was delayed, so he went to a bar nearby. As he sat down at the bar, he saw a STUNNING girl sitting a few stools away, crying. He sidles up and asks her why she's crying. She responds "I'm not. It's just... all the smoke in here's making my eyes water". So up stands our reformed tractor fanatic, and he sucks in all of the smoke, walks over to the door, and blows it all outside. The girl is amazed and asks how he did it. He responds...

I'M AN EX-TRACTOR FAN!!



Hope you enjoyed

Jem

[RGbee]

Woman goes into a butcher's...
"I'd like an oxtail please".
"Certainly", replies the butcher, "Once there was an ox..."

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.
So I hit her over the head with my Xbox

I sat down with my Grandmother last night to watch a DVD I'd bought for her from Amazon.
After a few minutes, I began to wish I'd read the plot on the website.
It turns out 'The Ass Master' is NOT a documentary about donkey sanctuaries.

[colouredmirrorball]

Once there was a little kid nicknamed Little Torso, because he doesn't had any arms or legs. One day he came rolling from the stairs, crying. "What's the matter, Little Torso?" his mother asked. "All kids in school have arms and legs and I don't! I want to be normal, I want to walk, I want to play football with the other kids!" said he. And his mother said him "But you will have legs! I am sure you have them within six months." And Little Torso went to school, with a smile on his face, telling everybody that he would have legs.
Three months later Little Torso looked at his body, but he didn't saw anything growing. He went to his mother again, and she told him this is normal, this kind of things need some time to appear, he had to be patient.
A week before he would have legs, he looked again and he didn't saw anything. And again his mother told him to be patient, and to wait until next week.
Finally, the day has come Little Torso would have legs, but still... nothing. His mother said him to wait until next morning, and then he would be normal. So Little Torso went sleeping. Next morning he stood up with no legs. He rolled down the stairs, crying. He rolled to his mother and asked what has gone wrong. And his mother said:
"Mouhahaha, look at the day! The first of april!"

[danielbriggs]

Man walks into a Fish & Chip shop with a Salmon under his arm and says "Excuse me, do you sell fish cakes?", the guy behind the counter says "Sorry, no". "That's a pity the man replies, it's his birtday today"

Fookin' brilliant. Haven't heard that one for a few years.

There was this guy, and ever since he was young, he'd LOVED tractors. ...
He responds...

I'M AN EX-TRACTOR FAN!!

Jack Dee, Lead Balloon anyone?
I'll see if I can find a clip - priceless...


See attached:

Dan

[Jem]

Hey Dan

I never claimed originality

Just wanted to lighten things up a bit and give everyone a smile (or a groan)

Jem

P.S. I like the spider

[danielbriggs]

It's all good as long as there are no "Crimbo Cracker" grade jokes.