*** Jokes ***

[soforene]

>>>>How do you titillate an Ocelot?<<<<<
> > > > > > > > > >< < < < < < < <
>>>You oscillate it's titalot <<<<


>>>>>>What noise annoys an Oyster?<<<<<
> > > > > > > > > > > >< < < < < < < < <
>>>>A noisy noise annoys an oyster<<<<<<<

[soforene]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go to the bird section and Mick says to Paddy; "Dat's Dem."
The shopkeeper comes over and asks if he can help. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage op dere," says Mick. "Put dem in a pepper bag."
The shopkeeper does as asked and the two pay for the birds and leave.

They get into Mick's van and drive until they reach a cliff with a 500ft drop. "Dis looks like a grand place," says Mick.
He then takes the two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by "Splat".
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Feck Dat, dis budgie jumpin" is too feckin dangerous for me..."

A few minutes later, Seamus approaches. He too has been to the pet shop and is carrying the familiar "pepper bag".
He then pulls a parrot out of the bag and Paddy notices that in the other hand Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Watch this Paddy" he says, as he launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as half way down Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is another 'Splat' and he joins Mick at the bottom of the cliff.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' that parrotshooting noider..."

After a few minutes, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and walks up with his 'pepper bag.'
Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head- "Feck me Sean, first der was Mick wit his budgie jumpin, den Seamus parrotshooting - and now you feckin'hengliding......!!"

[soforene]

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer.
Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, "Get the *uck off the car!"

[soforene]

A man goes into a fish and chip shop and see's his mate red in the face and coughing and spluttering.
"Whats the matter" the man asks his friend.
" I've just swallowed a fish bone and its stuck in my throat" he replied.
"Are you choking" the man asks.
"No I'm f*ckin serious" replied the friend.

[soforene]

Saul and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Saul," asked Al, "I wonder if there are any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Saul replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Do you have any Chinese Jews in China?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen.
He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Saul said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone in kitchen," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

[Mr.Coffee]

Did you know Helen Keller has a dollhouse in her back yard?

neither did she

[soforene]

Joseph O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Maggie, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
Joseph said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Joseph!" Maggie said.

The next day, Maggie ran into one of Joseph's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Joseph won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Maggie."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[soforene]

Mick and Paddy arrive at work one morning whereupon Paddy realises he's left his sandwiches at home,
"Ahh Jaysus!" he exclaims.
"Whats up?" asks asks Mick so Paddy tells him.
Mick, being a good mate tells him "Don't be fretting, oi have enough here for da both of us!".
"Roight so!", says Paddy and they get to work.

Dinner time comes and the lads settle down for their sarnies.
"What's on dem dere sandwiches?" asks Paddy.
"Crab Paste" explains Mick.
"Roight so" say Paddy and takes a bite.
Suddenly his mouth is on fire and tears are streaming out his eyes.
He spits out the mouthful and turns to Mick.
"Where did you get dat dere crab paste?" he yells.
"Boots The Chemist" replies Mick.

[soforene]

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some nformation about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Cardiff Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, "So what's the good news?"
"Well," said the cop, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!" he asked.
And the cop replied... "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!"

[soforene]

Two condoms walking past a gay bar.

One turns to the other and says "Wanna go get $hit faced?"